You know, sometimes I think, even my issues have issues. Lately, my new array of symptoms have been more than overwhelming. For every one step I take forward I feel as though I take two steps back. The ongoing issue of not having a doctor is extremely frustrating and a huge source of anxiety to me. I want help so badly and yet I do not know where to find it. We (Justin and I) have been praying over the idea of moving north since I seem to do better in the cooler weather still the problem remains...who is going to treat me?
Moving would be a lot easier now considering as of next week Justin starts seminary full time online. So our family is completely mobile. We have nothing cementing us to Texas any longer. However, without me working, we are financing everything through student loans which is going to make life interesting.
I just long for a better life. As I say that, I feel convicted for even uttering those words. I have a roof over my head, a husband that loves me and a beautiful son. Some people don't even have that yet in my own selfish way I am angry that I am not healed and that I lay here in pain each and every day with these chronic migraines that we have yet to find a solution other than narcotics for. I seem to have a new issue every day and just when I think one is cleared up it seems as though it has created another for me to deal with.
Today I layed in bed in pain the sheets pulled over my head. I was talking myself out of going to Bible Study tonight. Then I quickly realized that was Satan trying to keep me from it. I pulled myself out of bed and got in the shower. I texted the two girls in my group that know about my situation because my bp has been extremely low the last few days. I wanted to make sure I was safe. As it turns out, they we both not going to be able to make it. I was so bummed. Once again, my illness had prevented me from doing something I wanted or rather needed to do. I knew I wouldn't be safe there alone. If something happened no one would understand or know what to do. Maybe I should just start wearing a sign. It is SO frustrating!
