Yes, my dear followers, I am alive. So much has been going on in my life, that, to try and put it into words seemed impossible until now. Since my last blog I have learned new information about myself. I am now not only living with Dysautonomia, I am living with Fibromyalgia as well.
To be honest, at first the information upset me. I was mad and I thought it was simply something else to add to my already complicated life. My husband then made the point "Ya know it's really not anything new. You've been living with it all along. Now you just have a name for it." He was right. Did I mention how much I can't stand it when he's right? Here I was, just fine melting down, and he had to snap me out of it.
You know how it is, everyone that lives with Dysautonomia does. You go though the stages of grief...again, and again, and again. Some days I wake up and (pardon my language) want to scream "Screw you POTS! You're not gonna keep me down today." These days are usually followed by a recovery day or several for that matter. Other days I don't have the energy to fight and I want to give up. This was one of these days. I hadn't slept in two nights and I was in pain.
All this time I thought a lot of my symptoms were POTS and now I know that they are not. It's kinda crazy. I still don't know how to distinguish completely. So much pain... just throw it all under one heading "I hurts."
Since my last post, my husband has also started Seminary. I am very proud of him. However, this too has added an interesting dynamic to our lives. A disabled person, a grad student and a 22 month old toddler who doesn't sleep you do the math. My poor husband is always getting the short end of the stick and I have a lot of guilt because of this. I want to be able to take care of my son so my husband can study all day but I can't. Heck I want to be able to stay up all day but I can't. Instead my husband takes care of the both of us all day and then stays up until 12 doing homework. It breaks my heart when I hear him say he needs more time to study and I can't help him with that. Yet he always tells me "its not your fault you can't help it so there is no need for you to feel guilty." It is sweet of him to say but it doesn't help me.
I have improved. I haven't used my wheelchair in quite a while now and I get around with my cane for safety (sometimes for mine and sometimes for others :) I'm thankful for that. But I'm still fighting battles everyday. I hope everyone of you keeps fighting too. As my sweet husband reminded me again last night, we may never be better here on Earth. But we will be better in our eternal life. God Bless!
