Humbled by God's grace...broken hearted by my thorn

Is it possible to be so humbled by God's grace and yet so broken hearted by this invisible thorn?  God has continued to bless me ten times over with love, through friends, family, my church and people I don't even know.  Everyday it seems that God finds a new way to bless me that I never thought of.  I find myself each day in tears humbled by God's grace.  I continue to feel broken and he continues to bless me.  I try and stay strong for those around me but inside I'm falling apart and I feel as if no one understands that sometimes...but I know my Savior does.  I talk to him at night when I can't sleep I pour out my heart and attempt to leave it at his feet.  I recite the scriptures I read each day and pray for him to take it away.  Although I am human, he treats me as if I am not.  He loves me as if I am already with him.  That's a hard thing for me.  My God is a God that is full of grace.

When I was pregnant I prayed every night for my son to have a heart that would always seek God.  For God to grab hold to his little life and tug.  Now that he's here I already see that God's great compassion rests in his being.  These last couple of months have been hard on Collin.  He has seen me go in and out of the hospital and is very protective over me.  He wakes up now in the middle of the night screaming my name and most of the time I cry because I can't get to him. 

Church has been a challenge he now has a "buddy" he has a hard time when it is time to leave me.  Today for the first time, he cried when we made it to the parking lot.  The car wasn't even stopped.  We went to check him in and I moved my arm to scratch my leg he quickly grabbed my arm and pulled it back to his waist.  It breaks my heart to see my baby feel so much pain.  He doesn't understand.  On Friday when the home health nurse came to give me my infusion Collin ran after her yelling "no, no, no, no, no" he was banging on the bed and reaching for me grabbing my nurses pant legs he thought she was going to take me away.  How does a 17 month old put that together.  I fell horrible.  I feel like I have put my baby through too much way to fast.  A 17 month old shouldn't be worried about if their mom is going to leave them.  They should be worried about playing or things of that sort.  Please pray for my little one.  I don't want him to grow up to fast. 

Tomorrow I leave for Mayo.  I pray I will get answers.  I hope that someone will be able to help me get upright and live a life that's just a little bit better.  I will keep my blog posted on my health updates but if I am not well enough check the Hope for Dysautonomia Group Page and it will be updated with health updates on me as well.

Keep the faith and keep raising awareness!!!