Gotta start somewhere...

...I guess the beginning would be best.  If you've read my "about me" section then you already know a little bit about me.  You're probably wondering why I titled my blog My Invisible Thorn.  Some of you may have already made the biblical reference.  Wait...let me back up...let me preface this whole blog by saying I apologize in advance if at times nothing I say makes sense, there are spelling errors galore or grammatical errors that an elementary student would make.  Brain fog is a side affect of my POTS.  Yes, I am aware that there is a spell check on my computer, but that is assuming I remember to use it!  Good...now that's out of the way.  Paul talks in 2 Corinthians about his thorn.  There are many speculations about exactly what his thorn was.  However, most believe that this was a reference to a physical ailment he was plaqued with.  POTS is my thorn, and it is invisible in so many ways.  Unless you notice the severe bags under my eyes from my chronic insomnia or the wheelchair that I loath!  You would probably mistake me for a normal person. 

This all began when I became pregnant.  (One of the biggest blessings in my life)  In the early stages of my pregnancy I experienced some dizzy spells and massive fatigue.  Normal pregnancy stuff I thought.  At the time, I was very active, I was teaching dance.  Very quickly I began cutting back on my hours and soon after had to quit altogether.  During my second trimester I began passing out, having chest pain, shortness of breath and rapid heartrates.  My blood pressure began dropping extremely low.  No one could figure it out.  I saw specialist after specialist and ultimately ended up on bed rest.  It was not until much later in my pregnancy that I was diagnosed with POTS.  It only got worse from there. 

At 34 weeks gestation, I saw my cardiologist who took one look at my cold blue (literally) body and knew there was no way I could carry my baby any longer.  I'll never forget that day April 21st 2009 it was a Tuesday.  I left the doctors and soon recieved a phone call from my OB telling me to get to the hospital because we were going to have a baby on Thursday.  They started me on steroid treatments to build up my sweet Collin's lungs.  The doctor prepared me for the worst.  She told me he would be about three pounds and that he would have to spend a good amount of time in the NICU.  I was terrified!  Justin and I (that's my husband) prayed that God would protect us both.  I delivered my baby via c-section and by the grace of God he was 5 pounds 10oz.  I actually got to take him out of the operating room with me!  My OB was floored at how big he was.  He was such a little fighter.  That night he went into a bit of respiratory distress and was admitted to the NICU.  He had no intentions of staying there though.  He pulled his c-pack machine out the second day and was fine without it!  Next he pulled out his IV.  Each time he "self diagnosed" himself he was right.  He was discharged from the NICU before I was discharged from the hospital!  God is so amazing.

In the months after the birth I got better...well kind of.  I was able to manage at least.  I had good days and bad days but I was getting by.  I had dizzy spells and days where there was no way I was getting out of bed...but I wasn't passing out.  I dealt with my condition the best I could for about 14 months.  Then this past June, it all fell apart.  I began passing out again and was worse than I had ever been.  I've been in and out of the hospital and am now on a ridiculous number of medicines to "help" (I use this term very loosely) regulate my autonomic nervous system.  Even with all this I find it hard just to make it through the day sometimes.  God has humbled me to a place I never knew I could be.  I am now in a wheelchair, unable to take care of my son or myself on my own.  God and my husband are the reasons I can make it through the day. 

Never in a million years did I imagine myself in this place at only 27 years of age.  Every day is a struggle for me and my family.  Most days I hold tight to the promise that God has given me...that he will never leave me nor forsake me.  But...just a moment of transparency here...there are those days when I am angry and don't understand why this is happening to me.  But that is not for me know.  (Easy said than done)  I know that I am in God's hands and there is nowhere I would rather be!