Reliving the nightmare

Do you ever have a bad dream and then wake up but you're too scared to go back to sleep because you're afraid you might have that dream again?  I feel like this is my life sometimes.  I try to stay positive and hold tight to my faith but I'm telling you I came home from the hospital in worse condition than when I went in.  I'm weaker now than I have ever been.  I am constantly falling and feeling completely and utterly confused!  Sometimes, I feel like I have Alzheimer's at the age of 27.  Something is just not right.  The doctor's don't have a clue...of course.  I'm maintaining my hope though.

Tonight, Justin was shaving his head (which I was in strong opposition to but that is a whole other story) and Collin and I we sitting in the bedroom watching him cut his hair and laughing at him while he was doing it.  I was weak but Collin was sitting still so it was ok.  Justin asked me if he could run through the shower so he could wash the hair off.  I thought I could handle it.  I really did.  We have a baby gate at the entrance to our room so he couldn't escape but there were lots of little distractions for the little guy.  Justin wasn't in the shower five minutes and when he got out he yelled "are you ok?"  I was sobbing.  Collin was running back and forth and was hiding along side of the bed where I was unable to bend down to see him.  My heart was tachycardic my feet were blue from trying to stay upright for too long.  I just broke down.  "I can't take care of my son" I told Justin.  This is a nightmare I relive everyday.  All I ever wanted was to be a mom.  The fact that I can't take care of my son makes me angry and sad all at the same time. 

Why me God?  Why did I have to be the one you chose to allow to have POTS?  Was it a lesson? Is it to help someone else? Is it to help myself?  I don't know?  I may never know.  I was reading in my Bible last night and as I was lying here crying in pain as I do a lot of nights I read Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a human heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.  Got it God I thought.  I will not commence my pity party.  I do have so much to be thankful for.  I just need to be reminded of that sometimes.