It's funny. We tend to spend our entire youth talking about what we are going to do when we grow up. How we are going to claim our independence! Once we've finally obtain that "adulthood" status most of wonder what all the fuss was for. Sure, no one tells me when to go to bed or how late I can stay out and so on anymore but what are these things people keep sending me called bills??? We now have to fend for ourselves and there is no one there to "clean up our mess" when we make a mistake. No one that is except...God.
I have really been struggling with the loss of the independence I worked so very hard to obtain. For a person who was very independent, I went to very dependent very fast. Almost like a child again. I am unable to make decisions for myself anymore because my illness and those that care for me make them all for me. Often times I am told not to do things (out of love and protection) because it is not safe for me or I need to conserve my energy (or my spoons rather.) If you have not read the "Spoon Theory" I highly encourage you to. There is a link to it on my blog. I feel as though I have regressed in life back to a state of childlikeness. In many ways physically I have and that is a though pill to swallow. However, the mental is extremely disheartening.
I was in my senior year of college the semester prior to my student teaching when I had to quit school. I was on track to my dream of becoming an ESL Elementary teacher. Throughout my observation hours in classrooms I administered many reading assesments. Last night, I was taken back to these. It was a very eye-opening experience. Justin and I were laying in bed discussing some scripture. I was reading something to him aloud when he jokingly interrupted me. I joked back saying "you're going to interrupt the word of God." Then as we both have a habit of doing, I began to take the joke further reading Psalms VERY LOUD so he could hear me through the bathroom door. Ha! He came out laughing and I kept going until I got to the end of the page. I stopped and looked at Justing and said "was I the only one who heard something wrong with that?" "What do you mean?" he said. "The way I was reading, what is wrong with me?" He responded with "I thought you were reading that way on purpose." Tears filled my eyes as I replied "No." I sounded like an elementary student. I was unable to read with any sort of fluidity, speed or attention to puncuation. I had at times to stop and reread things and self-correct myself. It would take me a minute to read a word not because I didn't know it but because I couldn't remember how to say it. It was so sad.
While I was reading though Psalms, 143:1 really tugged at my heart. "Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief." This IS the CRY of my heart! Relief from the silence. I have been crying and pouring out my heart to God and feel as though he still remains silent with me. I've really been trying to examine my relationship with him and why it is that this intimate relationship he speaks of wanting all throughout the Bible is not there for me right now. Why? A sweet friend of mine sent me a book called Disappointment with God. I've been reading it and it is truly amazing. As I was reading through it tonight, the author was discussing God's relationship with his chosen people and how he desired that relationship. He said "He wanted what any parent wants: a happy household of children who return their parent's love." This got me to thinking...that's what I want! I want God to return my love! (But of course I want him to return it in the way I want it.) God does love me. I know this. He is providing for me in countless ways...I just want to feel him. I want to feel his peace...RELIEF from all of this brokeness. I want to feel as though I am me and that he recognizes me for that and not just someone to take care of.
Earlier tonight, my father came to visit and I was in and out of conciousness. I was having bad spells one right after the other. I listened as my husband and my father talked about who was going to watch Collin and I while my parents were out of town and my husband was at work this week. I wanted to scream...I'm right here! I know that they meant well but, as I have now expressed to my husband, I want a say in who "babysits" me. Maybe I can't do much, but I am still and adult with real feelings and opinions. I think sometimes everyone gets so caught up in taking care of me that they forget to ask how I am...not how sick I am...but how I am. It's been awhile since someone has. It's always do you need water? Do you need your meds? Do you need me to adjust the thermostat? I wish I had the freedom to be me. To have a lunch date with a friend, or a date with my husband. I've decided that my insomnia is self induced. I think that I truly stay awake to have just a little taste of freedom. For those few hours there is no one making a fuss over me, I can sit in silence and read, or just watch something on tv that I want to. Although, I am here and attempting to engage during the day I feel obligations. I feel the obligation to interact with my son as much as possible so that he knows Mommy is ok. Then when he goes to sleep, I feel obligated to entertain my mom who is here to help me and has nothing to do when Collin is sleeping. Then when Justin gets home, I feel obligated to spend time with him because I missed him and I haven't seen him. I don't mean obligated in a negative context it is just simply that an obligation. I never get a break. If I sleep my sweet baby screams for me and my husband says he misses me so I feel guilty. I feel like I need a break from the "getting through the day." I really struggle with who I am anymore. I feel like a child trying to get to adulthood...again.
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